Oxymoronic Happiness

After that last post I'm getting back into my story. I think if anything that proved I am real and I have issues I am still dealing with. I still get upset and I am still working through it and learning about myself everyday. Hell if I didn't learn anything what am I really doing? Anyway getting back to where I left off.... As January 2011 came to a close and I had a boyfriend; I was still beyond confused. I was happy in the moment trying to live day to day, especially after the hellish month that just passed. I was relived to have someone in my life that cared about me but I began to feel as if he cared too much, more than I cared for him. Dinner with my parents, a cold Monday on January 31st; the first day we officially started dating, was a turning point for us in his eyes but I'm not sure I felt the same. That dinner was nearly impossible for me to get through. Not because I was nervous but because my parents are so embarrassing I didn't know what to expect. I had ...

Waking up sad and wondering if you matter to anyone. Wanting to be cared about so desperately it hurts. Everyday....Some days ,like today are worse than most. I have been crying on and off since I woke up and I don't know why. I'm so sad today. I'm so desperately wanting to just hear from someone....anyone. I have reached out. Like times before. Possibly to the wrong people, but none the less I tried. Not stating I was sad and wanted to talk. Just a good morning. How are you? wanting nothing but the same in return. It shouldn't matter what I say really. It would just be nice to feel like someone, anyone cares enough to ask. To just want to know how I'm doing. Good or bad. I wouldn't even say I'm doing terrible to be honest. I don't like making people feel bad or worry about me. That's not the attention I want. I think I come across as someone that is strong and doesn't need anyone and sometimes its true there are things I don't need help with...

I was excited to ring in the New Year. 2011 was promising, it had to be better than the last four months. I didn't want to not kiss anyone when the ball dropped but I refused to be with Brian. I didn't want to give him hope that I was his this year, I felt like it would mean more to him than it did to me, so I went out so New Paltz and met up with my friend and her fiance. I usually hate being a third wheel but they are always great company and when drinking is involved I'm interested. It was a nice night for what I remember, which isn't much, but I didn't make any terrible decisions so things were looking up. The days to follow were increasingly hard. I found out my ex told his new girlfriend he loved her and I was crushed. I couldn't help but question everything we had and what those three words really mean to him. Obviously not much because the girl he was dating was...lets just say not ideal, unless you're looking to get herpaghanasyphiliitis, but you d...

The holidays were always a difficult time for my family, it was never fun or relaxing; never a time that anyone looked forward to and this year was no exception. I was still seeing Brian. At this point he wanted to moved things along and actually be in a relationship with me, I refused and he was seemingly OK with that. We were spending more and more time together and I was slowly becoming increasingly more uncomfortable getting so close to him. I'm not sure if it was because the ex and I did so much during the winter months or if it was because I still had so many feelings for him that anything other than what we shared was lacking. Truthfully, Brian was great, but it was missing the passion, comfort and routine I had been used to. I remember being at Brian's house, sitting at the kitchen table, looking out the window watching the snow fall, just sitting and talking to him, he looked at me and I felt like my heart melted. That feeling was there but the lust and physical attrac...

I didn't realize it then but I was abusing my cake. That saying "you cant have you cake and eat it too" was the reality of my life and I was over consuming and selfish without a second thought about who I would be hurting. Having been on a date with an amazing guy I was interested in doing it more, yet, even though I had broken it off with the ex I was filled with regret and was doing anything in my power to not lose him. I was going on dates and seeing my ex at the same time, having my cake and eating it too. It didn't seem like a problem then but as things started becoming more serious with my blue eyed guy I knew I was in trouble. My second date was just as good as the first, minus the flowers; he picked me up in a cherry red porsche, as he called it jokingly "pantie drop red". I had never seen this car before and knew there had to be a story behind it; on the way to dinner he told me he rebuilt it and sold it to his best friend because he could afford ...

In a short period of time I realized I have always tried to be overly prepared for anything and everything. This thought occurred while preparing for a date, my first date ever, which was incredibly difficult. I started getting ready hours before he was supposed to pick me up. I nervously cleaned my whole apartment, did the dishes, and finally the laundry. I felt like I was sixteen again. This was real and he was picking me up to go out to dinner. When I finally sat down to watch TV hoping it would pass time, the doorbell rang and my heart started pounding. I casually walked to the door trying not to walk too fast or too slow, quickly checked over myself in the mirror, took a deep breath, and opened the door with a smile. I remember seeing his eyes first; an incredible light blue with sparkling hints of grey, almost silver. He stood in the doorway as I put on my shoes. Awkwardly bent over and talking, in the back of my min...