I was excited to ring in the New Year. 2011 was promising, it had to be better than the last four months. I didn't want to not kiss anyone when the ball dropped but I refused to be with Brian. I didn't want to give him hope that I was his this year, I felt like it would mean more to him than it did to me, so I went out so New Paltz and met up with my friend and her fiance. I usually hate being a third wheel but they are always great company and when drinking is involved I'm interested. It was a nice night for what I remember, which isn't much, but I didn't make any terrible decisions so things were looking up.
The days to follow were increasingly hard. I found out my ex told his new girlfriend he loved her and I was crushed. I couldn't help but question everything we had and what those three words really mean to him. Obviously not much because the girl he was dating was...lets just say not ideal, unless you're looking to get herpaghanasyphiliitis, but you didn't hear that from me. The new year didn't offer me any relief thus far but I hadn't really given it a chance considering it was only the first week. I felt as if I had made a crucial mistake and I needed to try again, I was ready to try again. Remembering every great time we had together over rode the bad at the time and I needed to do anything in my power to fix what I had done. I was writing a lot of poetry and spending a lot of time by myself in some of our favorite spots which were now safe havens to me, little retreats where I couldn't be found by anyone except him. On January 6th I wrote a poem to him. Hoping he would forgive me.
I called him that afternoon. It was a Wednesday. He met me down at the river and I read him this poem, crying the whole way through. I still remember the hug he gave me. It was so powerful, tingled to my core. He whispered in my ear that he did want to try again and at that moment I felt so secure and safe. Things were going to be OK. We talked about the future and what we had to work on. We spent the whole day together, ice skating, playing in the snow, he made me dinner at his apartment, it was nice. We spent every day together but I refused to stay over his house. That girls stuff was still everywhere and I really wasn't comfortable, no matter what he said to reassure me it seemed like she still lived there, robe on the bathroom door and all. It made me sick.
Later that week, Friday evening, I was cooking dinner and thinking about things. Still sick to my stomach. I had a rush of panic come over my body. I was overly emotional. Sick to my stomach at work during the day and not at home and not in a stomach flu kind of way. The first thought, I should take a pregnancy test just to relieve my self from that stress. This was a normal thing for me, I was on the pill and took it when I was supposed to but every month I would worry. I wasn't due for Flo yet but I figured it wouldn't hurt. So i peed on the stick and even though it says way five minutes, its a crock of shit. That thing was positive within three seconds. As soon as the pee absorbed my fate was determined. HOLY SHIT. This isn't happening! I had just apologized to my ex, spend three amazing days with him and now I was pregnant, with Brian's baby! I wondered how? When? I took my pill when I was supposed to every day. Except when I went to Pa for Christmas; I forgot my pack and took it five hours late when I got home that afternoon before I went to dinner at my parents. Five hours! I called my best friend and she was too busy to talk, cleaning out her closet with her mother. I thought really? I'm in crisis mode and shes too busy. I hung up and cried for hours and hours. I didn't know what to do.
The next day I made an appointment at Planned Parenthood. For those of you not familiar, they make you fill out tons of paperwork and ask stupid questions. Well the first is, when was the first day of your last period?, the second is, Have you missed your period?. Well I answered and when the doctor calls me in to talk about my paper work she asked me the same questions again. I told her I was pregnant. She asked me how I knew? Well besides the positive test, wanting to vomit constantly or peeing like a racehorse; she said "but you didn't miss your period?". All I thought was that I could be a doctor at this place, good god. Well I had to pee-in-a-cup and they did another test. She comes back into the room and says "Yeah, wow that test came back fast, you must have been pregnant for a while now". I told her no it was impossible because the timing didn't add up. So the next step isn't so much fun. And for you men reading this I apologize now; and if you were wondering this is one of the many reasons why women hate you. Anyway, a backless gown in a cold room with a lady inspecting my vajayjay is not what I would call ideal. She did an ultrasound and to her surprise, which is what I was trying to tell her all along, I was only two weeks pregnant, not even three. Yeah I knew that. So that means Merry Christmas Charlie Brown! I asked how it was possible since I only missed my pill by five hours; she said it wasn't I'm just highly fertile. Oh JOY! The next step was figuring out what the plan was. I made the decision to terminate. For those of you that don't agree you can keep your opinions to yourself because that was the hardest decision I have ever made and I made it by myself. I didn't tell anyone. I took pills at home on a Tuesday. It was torture. I will leave out the gory details, but all I did was bleed to death and vomit for eight hours straight. I thought I was dying.
The next few days weren't easy. I saw the ex who I was seeing again the next day and acted like nothing had happened, which was hard. I went to work and acted as if nothing changed. My friend knew the truth and that Friday we went out for margaritas. I was about half way through my second when I got a phone call from the ex, he asked if he could meet me out because he had something to tell me. So that's what he did. He had some news alright. The girl he was seeing told him she was pregnant. I almost fell off of my stool. I thought there was no better time to tell him that I just had an abortion on Tuesday. That night we talked A LOT. He wanted to be there for me but the truth was I didn't want to tell anyone in the first place and now I felt guilty for not telling Brian. I told him that I needed to talk to Brian and tell him because it wasn't right that I didn't say anything in the first place. He also wanted some sort of confirmation that this girl was actually pregnant and she was giving him the run around. Which confirmed how much of a skank she really must be because I went through all of that and would never think to lie about it to get back with someone.
That Saturday I made a little date with Brian. We went out and had dinner, talked about things that weren't important and he kept asking me what was wrong. He said I looked like I had something to say. I kept saying I didn't. I couldn't, I wouldn't tell him anything when we were out to dinner; partially because I was scared of how he would react. At the end of the night we parted ways and I sat in my car and cried. I was extremely emotional at this point; anything and everything made me upset. The doctor said it would be a while before my hormones were normal again but I wasn't expecting all of this. Anyway, the next day I needed to tell him. I went to his house. Sat on the couch and told him the whole story. He was intensely upset. Beyond upset. What he said next is forever ingrained into my soul. He told me he didn't want what he was going to say to make me upset but he was told a few years prior that he couldn't have kids, and that he and his old girlfriend of six years had never gotten pregnant without any type of protection. I was shocked. This was definitely a miracle. I was on the pill, conceived on Christmas Day with a guy who cant have kids. What are the odds? Truly impossible. I was so deeply sorry for not telling him. But I also don't think that telling him prior would have changed my mind about the decision I had made. I didn't do it for the wrong reasons. There is a time and place for everything and I wasn't ready for any of that. I have and still want a better life for my children than what I had as a child and it just wasn't right. Again, if you are reading and your against the decision I made I really don't want to hear it. I'm sorry because you are entitled to your opinion just as much as I am, I'm just asking that you keep it to yourself.
By the end of January my hormones had gone awry. I fell off the deep end and was happy one second and hysterical the next. I was back on birth control which made it worse. Little did I know at the time I have unusually high estrogen levels on top of everything else. At this point the ex and I were still talking but I had gone through so much with his ex lying about being pregnant and him catering to her that I was tragically hurt and was so torn between Brian and him that I was a complete and udder wreck at all times. On January 31st I had invited Brian to meet my parents and little sister. On the way to dinner I told him I wanted to try and be with him if he still wanted me. He started glowing and was so excited that I finally made up my mind and was giving him a chance.
The days to follow were increasingly hard. I found out my ex told his new girlfriend he loved her and I was crushed. I couldn't help but question everything we had and what those three words really mean to him. Obviously not much because the girl he was dating was...lets just say not ideal, unless you're looking to get herpaghanasyphiliitis, but you didn't hear that from me. The new year didn't offer me any relief thus far but I hadn't really given it a chance considering it was only the first week. I felt as if I had made a crucial mistake and I needed to try again, I was ready to try again. Remembering every great time we had together over rode the bad at the time and I needed to do anything in my power to fix what I had done. I was writing a lot of poetry and spending a lot of time by myself in some of our favorite spots which were now safe havens to me, little retreats where I couldn't be found by anyone except him. On January 6th I wrote a poem to him. Hoping he would forgive me.
Tears by the River
Wondering what your doing,
and waiting for your call.
My heart is pounding faster,
felling like I'm going to fall.
Head over heels for seven years,
so much love and little tears.
I ruined what we shared,
thinking that you didn't care.
I know now my love for you is true,
I'm more sure than ever I was meant to be with you.
Forever and always no matter what,
I meant it then as I do now but,
we need to rekindle our love that has dwindled.
Sparks re-ignited, my heart is on fire.
Its time to kill the saga that was created,
no more drama and no more time separated.
You mean the world to me,
I'm sorry it took so long for me to see.
I truly know your my one and only,
yet I also know that this needs to happen slowly.
I love you for the rest of my life,
I promise I will never again think twice,
I want to be there for you and eventually be your wife.
I'm here now asking the impossible,
to open your heart and take that chance.
In order to make our relationship possible,
I'm taking a stance,
declaring my undying love,
begging for a second chance.
Wondering what your doing,
and waiting for your call.
My heart is pounding faster,
felling like I'm going to fall.
Head over heels for seven years,
so much love and little tears.
I ruined what we shared,
thinking that you didn't care.
I know now my love for you is true,
I'm more sure than ever I was meant to be with you.
Forever and always no matter what,
I meant it then as I do now but,
we need to rekindle our love that has dwindled.
Sparks re-ignited, my heart is on fire.
Its time to kill the saga that was created,
no more drama and no more time separated.
You mean the world to me,
I'm sorry it took so long for me to see.
I truly know your my one and only,
yet I also know that this needs to happen slowly.
I love you for the rest of my life,
I promise I will never again think twice,
I want to be there for you and eventually be your wife.
I'm here now asking the impossible,
to open your heart and take that chance.
In order to make our relationship possible,
I'm taking a stance,
declaring my undying love,
begging for a second chance.
I called him that afternoon. It was a Wednesday. He met me down at the river and I read him this poem, crying the whole way through. I still remember the hug he gave me. It was so powerful, tingled to my core. He whispered in my ear that he did want to try again and at that moment I felt so secure and safe. Things were going to be OK. We talked about the future and what we had to work on. We spent the whole day together, ice skating, playing in the snow, he made me dinner at his apartment, it was nice. We spent every day together but I refused to stay over his house. That girls stuff was still everywhere and I really wasn't comfortable, no matter what he said to reassure me it seemed like she still lived there, robe on the bathroom door and all. It made me sick.
Later that week, Friday evening, I was cooking dinner and thinking about things. Still sick to my stomach. I had a rush of panic come over my body. I was overly emotional. Sick to my stomach at work during the day and not at home and not in a stomach flu kind of way. The first thought, I should take a pregnancy test just to relieve my self from that stress. This was a normal thing for me, I was on the pill and took it when I was supposed to but every month I would worry. I wasn't due for Flo yet but I figured it wouldn't hurt. So i peed on the stick and even though it says way five minutes, its a crock of shit. That thing was positive within three seconds. As soon as the pee absorbed my fate was determined. HOLY SHIT. This isn't happening! I had just apologized to my ex, spend three amazing days with him and now I was pregnant, with Brian's baby! I wondered how? When? I took my pill when I was supposed to every day. Except when I went to Pa for Christmas; I forgot my pack and took it five hours late when I got home that afternoon before I went to dinner at my parents. Five hours! I called my best friend and she was too busy to talk, cleaning out her closet with her mother. I thought really? I'm in crisis mode and shes too busy. I hung up and cried for hours and hours. I didn't know what to do.
The next day I made an appointment at Planned Parenthood. For those of you not familiar, they make you fill out tons of paperwork and ask stupid questions. Well the first is, when was the first day of your last period?, the second is, Have you missed your period?. Well I answered and when the doctor calls me in to talk about my paper work she asked me the same questions again. I told her I was pregnant. She asked me how I knew? Well besides the positive test, wanting to vomit constantly or peeing like a racehorse; she said "but you didn't miss your period?". All I thought was that I could be a doctor at this place, good god. Well I had to pee-in-a-cup and they did another test. She comes back into the room and says "Yeah, wow that test came back fast, you must have been pregnant for a while now". I told her no it was impossible because the timing didn't add up. So the next step isn't so much fun. And for you men reading this I apologize now; and if you were wondering this is one of the many reasons why women hate you. Anyway, a backless gown in a cold room with a lady inspecting my vajayjay is not what I would call ideal. She did an ultrasound and to her surprise, which is what I was trying to tell her all along, I was only two weeks pregnant, not even three. Yeah I knew that. So that means Merry Christmas Charlie Brown! I asked how it was possible since I only missed my pill by five hours; she said it wasn't I'm just highly fertile. Oh JOY! The next step was figuring out what the plan was. I made the decision to terminate. For those of you that don't agree you can keep your opinions to yourself because that was the hardest decision I have ever made and I made it by myself. I didn't tell anyone. I took pills at home on a Tuesday. It was torture. I will leave out the gory details, but all I did was bleed to death and vomit for eight hours straight. I thought I was dying.
The next few days weren't easy. I saw the ex who I was seeing again the next day and acted like nothing had happened, which was hard. I went to work and acted as if nothing changed. My friend knew the truth and that Friday we went out for margaritas. I was about half way through my second when I got a phone call from the ex, he asked if he could meet me out because he had something to tell me. So that's what he did. He had some news alright. The girl he was seeing told him she was pregnant. I almost fell off of my stool. I thought there was no better time to tell him that I just had an abortion on Tuesday. That night we talked A LOT. He wanted to be there for me but the truth was I didn't want to tell anyone in the first place and now I felt guilty for not telling Brian. I told him that I needed to talk to Brian and tell him because it wasn't right that I didn't say anything in the first place. He also wanted some sort of confirmation that this girl was actually pregnant and she was giving him the run around. Which confirmed how much of a skank she really must be because I went through all of that and would never think to lie about it to get back with someone.
That Saturday I made a little date with Brian. We went out and had dinner, talked about things that weren't important and he kept asking me what was wrong. He said I looked like I had something to say. I kept saying I didn't. I couldn't, I wouldn't tell him anything when we were out to dinner; partially because I was scared of how he would react. At the end of the night we parted ways and I sat in my car and cried. I was extremely emotional at this point; anything and everything made me upset. The doctor said it would be a while before my hormones were normal again but I wasn't expecting all of this. Anyway, the next day I needed to tell him. I went to his house. Sat on the couch and told him the whole story. He was intensely upset. Beyond upset. What he said next is forever ingrained into my soul. He told me he didn't want what he was going to say to make me upset but he was told a few years prior that he couldn't have kids, and that he and his old girlfriend of six years had never gotten pregnant without any type of protection. I was shocked. This was definitely a miracle. I was on the pill, conceived on Christmas Day with a guy who cant have kids. What are the odds? Truly impossible. I was so deeply sorry for not telling him. But I also don't think that telling him prior would have changed my mind about the decision I had made. I didn't do it for the wrong reasons. There is a time and place for everything and I wasn't ready for any of that. I have and still want a better life for my children than what I had as a child and it just wasn't right. Again, if you are reading and your against the decision I made I really don't want to hear it. I'm sorry because you are entitled to your opinion just as much as I am, I'm just asking that you keep it to yourself.
By the end of January my hormones had gone awry. I fell off the deep end and was happy one second and hysterical the next. I was back on birth control which made it worse. Little did I know at the time I have unusually high estrogen levels on top of everything else. At this point the ex and I were still talking but I had gone through so much with his ex lying about being pregnant and him catering to her that I was tragically hurt and was so torn between Brian and him that I was a complete and udder wreck at all times. On January 31st I had invited Brian to meet my parents and little sister. On the way to dinner I told him I wanted to try and be with him if he still wanted me. He started glowing and was so excited that I finally made up my mind and was giving him a chance.
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