The holidays were always a difficult time for my family, it was never fun or relaxing; never a time that anyone looked forward to and this year was no exception. I was still seeing Brian. At this point he wanted to moved things along and actually be in a relationship with me, I refused and he was seemingly OK with that. We were spending more and more time together and I was slowly becoming increasingly more uncomfortable getting so close to him. I'm not sure if it was because the ex and I did so much during the winter months or if it was because I still had so many feelings for him that anything other than what we shared was lacking. Truthfully, Brian was great, but it was missing the passion, comfort and routine I had been used to. I remember being at Brian's house, sitting at the kitchen table, looking out the window watching the snow fall, just sitting and talking to him, he looked at me and I felt like my heart melted. That feeling was there but the lust and physical attraction for me wasn't. I didn't want it to be about that because he really made me feel good about myself and that should have been enough. I didn't realize it at this point in December, partially because I didn't want to be alone for the holidays.
The week before Christmas I decided to take a trip to New York City to see my older sister and her husband in their new apartment on the upper east side. She is living her dream shes so happy, glowing, in a career she loves, with a husband she had been looking for. They were both excited for their first holiday in their new place. So I put on a smile and tried not to think about how I was skipping the holiday all together. We had a great time. Some sister talk; which never consists of much because quite frankly, she is pretty self absorbed. Don't get me wrong I love her to the moon but we aren't as close as we could be just because its hard to talk to her, so I choose not to. Anytime I have wanted to escape reality I would spend time at my sisters place, from the time I was thirteen on. She has always tried to be there for me and be that big sister, she just goes about it in a different way. Like holding my had when I cross the city streets. She still tires that today and I am twenty six. She taught me how to put on makeup and she would spend hours doing my hair. Being ten years older, when I was born I was literally her doll. She dressed me, did my hair, posed me and took pics like i was her little model. I liked spending time with her; and I can say I knew what a headache was at an early age as she would "practice" braiding my hair so tight it looked like I had a face lift at five years old. I also inhaled enough hairspray to kill a small pet, thanks to giant bottles of Aqua Net and the 80's poof and tease. None the less, it was great having a sister that lived outside of my house. I remember my first trip by myself on the Metro North train into grand central. This was before every thirteen year old had a cell phone, my sister would show up early to Grand Central and would frantically look for me walking out of the train, grab my hand and power walk through the crowd, to a more open space to officially greet me. I would spend countless weekends during the summer in Queens, my eyes were opened to things I wouldn't have been able to see without her. I have been so many different places in the city and always had a great time and took home memories and usually countless bags of clothes, thanks to her shopping habits and undeniable love for dressing me up. So as always I had a great weekend. I helped them pick out a Christmas tree, starting their tradition as newlyweds, I'm beyond happy I was there to share that with them. We decorated their tree, picked on a wonderful spread of cured meats and finger foods from The Vinegar Factory, had eggnog and made memories. The start to the holiday was great and I thank them for making it special when I thought it would be much less.
I still had a week until Christmas when I came home from my weekend away. Brian picked me up at the train station in Poughkeepsie and I was so happy to see him, not only that but he had also fixed my car that weekend so I was completely grateful. I spent that night at his house and it was great. I remember sitting at his kitchen table, talking about my weekend, doing scratch offs and jokingly saying to him "wow, I feel like an old couple doing lotto at the kitchen table". We both laughed and shared that moment together. What came next wasn't expected at all. He asked me to join him overnight at his parents house in Pennsylvania for Christmas Eve because he didn't want me to wake up on Christmas morning alone. This was a huge step and I didn't really feel like I should but reluctantly, not knowing what to expect I decided to go.
He picked me up Christmas Eve around noon. He gave me a present as I sat in his car, he tole me "it wasn't much but he didn't want me to feel left out". I was surprised to say the least especially because I didn't get him anything due to the fact we had decided to not exchange gifts.
I met his parents, his brothers and their families; their family dynamic was nice in a quirky way and I truly felt accepted there. I tried not to think about anything but it was increasingly hard. A couple of days earlier I had acquired a couple vicodins because my back hurt. I wasn't eating much, working out as much as I could, and not sleeping; my body ached and I was exhausted, I figured it would help. I took a half of one every five hours I was awake, drank a couple beers and it took the edge off. I was relaxed and at ease. It was nice in a hazy kind of way but no matter how comfortable I was with Brian, being with him and his family was still hard for me. Christmas day, after his niece and nephew opened their gifts and I was forever immortalized in family video it was time to go so I could join my parents and sister for dinner.
Dinner with my family is always interesting. The conversation we have is unlike any other family that I know. We all laugh so hard we cry. Its interesting to see us all happy at once because it doesn't happen often. Its amazing to me know we all have similar defense mechanisms. We all put on a smile so no one asks whats wrong, its easier to pretend to be happy and have a good time than it is to deal with reality. I'm pretty sure we learned it from each other over the years. After a couple hours with my family, which is plenty long enough; I went back over to Brian's house and spent the night. There was only a week left in 2010. I couldn't wait for it to be over. I was looking forward to starting the new year with a new mindset. Happier than I was the months leading up to this point. Little did I know I counldn't have been more wrong and I had so much to go through to get to where I am today.
The week before Christmas I decided to take a trip to New York City to see my older sister and her husband in their new apartment on the upper east side. She is living her dream shes so happy, glowing, in a career she loves, with a husband she had been looking for. They were both excited for their first holiday in their new place. So I put on a smile and tried not to think about how I was skipping the holiday all together. We had a great time. Some sister talk; which never consists of much because quite frankly, she is pretty self absorbed. Don't get me wrong I love her to the moon but we aren't as close as we could be just because its hard to talk to her, so I choose not to. Anytime I have wanted to escape reality I would spend time at my sisters place, from the time I was thirteen on. She has always tried to be there for me and be that big sister, she just goes about it in a different way. Like holding my had when I cross the city streets. She still tires that today and I am twenty six. She taught me how to put on makeup and she would spend hours doing my hair. Being ten years older, when I was born I was literally her doll. She dressed me, did my hair, posed me and took pics like i was her little model. I liked spending time with her; and I can say I knew what a headache was at an early age as she would "practice" braiding my hair so tight it looked like I had a face lift at five years old. I also inhaled enough hairspray to kill a small pet, thanks to giant bottles of Aqua Net and the 80's poof and tease. None the less, it was great having a sister that lived outside of my house. I remember my first trip by myself on the Metro North train into grand central. This was before every thirteen year old had a cell phone, my sister would show up early to Grand Central and would frantically look for me walking out of the train, grab my hand and power walk through the crowd, to a more open space to officially greet me. I would spend countless weekends during the summer in Queens, my eyes were opened to things I wouldn't have been able to see without her. I have been so many different places in the city and always had a great time and took home memories and usually countless bags of clothes, thanks to her shopping habits and undeniable love for dressing me up. So as always I had a great weekend. I helped them pick out a Christmas tree, starting their tradition as newlyweds, I'm beyond happy I was there to share that with them. We decorated their tree, picked on a wonderful spread of cured meats and finger foods from The Vinegar Factory, had eggnog and made memories. The start to the holiday was great and I thank them for making it special when I thought it would be much less.
I still had a week until Christmas when I came home from my weekend away. Brian picked me up at the train station in Poughkeepsie and I was so happy to see him, not only that but he had also fixed my car that weekend so I was completely grateful. I spent that night at his house and it was great. I remember sitting at his kitchen table, talking about my weekend, doing scratch offs and jokingly saying to him "wow, I feel like an old couple doing lotto at the kitchen table". We both laughed and shared that moment together. What came next wasn't expected at all. He asked me to join him overnight at his parents house in Pennsylvania for Christmas Eve because he didn't want me to wake up on Christmas morning alone. This was a huge step and I didn't really feel like I should but reluctantly, not knowing what to expect I decided to go.
He picked me up Christmas Eve around noon. He gave me a present as I sat in his car, he tole me "it wasn't much but he didn't want me to feel left out". I was surprised to say the least especially because I didn't get him anything due to the fact we had decided to not exchange gifts.
I met his parents, his brothers and their families; their family dynamic was nice in a quirky way and I truly felt accepted there. I tried not to think about anything but it was increasingly hard. A couple of days earlier I had acquired a couple vicodins because my back hurt. I wasn't eating much, working out as much as I could, and not sleeping; my body ached and I was exhausted, I figured it would help. I took a half of one every five hours I was awake, drank a couple beers and it took the edge off. I was relaxed and at ease. It was nice in a hazy kind of way but no matter how comfortable I was with Brian, being with him and his family was still hard for me. Christmas day, after his niece and nephew opened their gifts and I was forever immortalized in family video it was time to go so I could join my parents and sister for dinner.
Dinner with my family is always interesting. The conversation we have is unlike any other family that I know. We all laugh so hard we cry. Its interesting to see us all happy at once because it doesn't happen often. Its amazing to me know we all have similar defense mechanisms. We all put on a smile so no one asks whats wrong, its easier to pretend to be happy and have a good time than it is to deal with reality. I'm pretty sure we learned it from each other over the years. After a couple hours with my family, which is plenty long enough; I went back over to Brian's house and spent the night. There was only a week left in 2010. I couldn't wait for it to be over. I was looking forward to starting the new year with a new mindset. Happier than I was the months leading up to this point. Little did I know I counldn't have been more wrong and I had so much to go through to get to where I am today.
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