After that last post I'm getting back into my story. I think if anything that proved I am real and I have issues I am still dealing with. I still get upset and I am still working through it and learning about myself everyday. Hell if I didn't learn anything what am I really doing? Anyway getting back to where I left off....
As January 2011 came to a close and I had a boyfriend; I was still beyond confused. I was happy in the moment trying to live day to day, especially after the hellish month that just passed. I was relived to have someone in my life that cared about me but I began to feel as if he cared too much, more than I cared for him. Dinner with my parents, a cold Monday on January 31st; the first day we officially started dating, was a turning point for us in his eyes but I'm not sure I felt the same. That dinner was nearly impossible for me to get through. Not because I was nervous but because my parents are so embarrassing I didn't know what to expect. I had warned him best I could but having known what is talked about at a normal dinner with my family I was hoping being outside of the house meeting someone new they would be on their best behavior. As Brian and I walked into the restaurant my family was already seated at a table. I introduced everyone to Brian and my father being a hugger and Brian, not so much, I cringed at the thought my father would jump out of his seat and hug him, thankfully he didn't. The waitress came over and asked about drink orders, when it was my turn I casually asked for a shaker of red headed sluts, a rum and coke and a water. No one really expected that, Brian gave me a look, my little sister laughed, my father acted like it wasn't a big deal being an alcoholic himself and my mother says "Whats a red headed slut?" and asked if she could have one. The shaker came to the table just in time, myself being the great wall between Brian and my father was in between conversation just enough so Brian didn't feel awkward and my father is very lovey so at this point he is hugging me and smiling telling me he loves me every 4 minutes. Desperate times mean pounding this shaker as fast as possible. My mother surprisingly took a shot and my father casually said after "ooohh I'm gonna' get some tonight". Yup first awkward moment of the night, time for another shot. Things were going pretty good overall but we didn't even get appetizers yet! My father has Mondays off so he drinks all day, so was in good spirits, literally. My mother doesn't work and administers her own form of self medication on a regular basis and was just happy to be out of the house; she happens to be quite the attention whore, she loves talking about herself so I'm sure Brian was thrilled. My little sister and I were talking with our eyes from across the table in between conversation only the way sisters can. Dinner conversation was slightly subdued from the norm and I was OK with that. At the end of the night closing conversation and walking out the door, everyone in tow except for my father. Wondering where he was because it was freezing outside and I wanted nothing more than to leave he comes running outside with something under his jacket. Laughing he gives me a hug, knowing he was up to something I asked what he took, unzipping his jacket he flashes the half loaf of dinner bread that was left on the table; casually saying "its still warm and its cold out, the car is going to be cold so...I took it! hehehe". Looking like I'm the only normal one in the family my father finally got his hug from Brain, which wouldn't be a problem if my father understood when its appropriate to let people go. Truly embarrassed I couldn't wait to hear about the conversation they were going to have in the car about Brian. The car ride home was interesting with Brian. He was pleasantly surprised and said "they aren't as crazy as you made them seem" responding with "well they were all very well behaved". Promptly, being my little sister knowing me all too well, I get a phone call from everyone in the car, i answer and my sister is laughing hysterically. "Hello." "Hey Ally, dad wants to know if Brian is Puerto Rican?". Laughing I replied "No, hes Irish why?". "Dad wants to know what the fuck that is on his face then, why does he want to look Hispanic?". Laughing uncontrollably, Brian asks why I'm laughing. I told him my father is inquiring about the chin strap, telling him exactly what was said. He was slightly offended to say the least but I was still laughing. I explained it to my sister and we all got a good laugh, well except for Brian. I had to explain to him that my father is slightly racist. Not that I listen or that his views were transpired onto me, nor that I listen at all, but he told me at a very young age that he would disown me if I was with anyone of color and that was why he asked. Needless to say, he understood, but was still less than pleased.
Now that Brian meeting my family was over with the next thing I needed to do was figure out what I was missing in our relationship. There was something that just wasn't right. It was the first week of February and I was going stir crazy in this relationship because I couldn't figure out what was missing. I thought I was looking into it too much, looking for something to be wrong with it. We were supposed to get a big snowstorm the weekend of the 5th and I told Brian we could get snowed in together since neither one of us worked weekends. I slept over that Friday and woke up in his arms to a beautiful snow covered landscape the next day. He went and got me coffee knowing I cant survive without it, we made breakfast and by noon I wanted to crawl out of my skin. I was so bored! I didn't care what I did but I knew I didn't want to stay in the house with him. It dawned on me. New couples are supposed to be infatuated, making out like teenagers, cant keep their hand off each other, banging like bunnies. Well that wasn't the case. I had gotten pregnant so obviously we were having sex but it didn't mean I was enjoying it. Terrible fact of the matter was I didn't have a good time at all and was craving a good fuck. No matter how bad that makes me sound its the truth. Its a terrible predicament being in a new relationship and not being able to wait to help yourself out at home with a vibrating friend of mine. So that was it! I figured it out! I was relieved but I knew I couldn't tell him that. I wasn't really sure what to do so I decided to leave his house and go back to mine for the rest of the weekend. Feeling like I was going crazy that Sunday I called the girl I worked with who had also been in a relationship with him. At this point we were friends and I had talked to her about things going on so when she came over that day I had a plan. Being brutally honest and blunt, having girl talk, I asked her if he was terrible in bed or if it was just me. I thought she squirted juice out of her nose. She immediately said "I should have told you!" Needless to say it wasn't just me so I felt better. Literally as soon as we were done laughing, my phone rang, like he had E.S.P. it was Brian. I answered and told him I had company and would call him later. He gave me a little bit of a problem, not liking my answer, I ended the conversation quickly because I was getting really pissed off he had gotten mad at me. She and I finished our little girl talk meeting. Knowing I had to call him back and break it off gently, after a week, I knew I was going to break his heart.
Before calling him back I knew I was going to need someone to rescue me so I called my best guy friend I have ever had in my life, John, the one with the wife that hated me; he was going to come over at the best time, right in the middle of the conversation with Brian. Shortly after gaining my confidence, I called Brian and heard his heart break through the phone when I told him I couldn't do this anymore. That it had nothing to do with my ex but I didn't think we were going to work out. It was a terrible conversation and was just as hard as when I broke up with the ex. He wasn't just upset, he hated me and I felt it, like he was torturing a voodoo doll with my spirit in it. Then "Ding DONG!", it was my interruption! PERFECT TIMING! He was pissed I got off the phone but I was beyond relived.
John was my best friend, he always made me feel better. He would come over my house sometimes with his wife knowing and sometimes without. I know this because when she called him even if I was at their house and he answered, more often than not, before he answered he would say "you're not here", meaning don't say anything. It was something that wasn't new and its his lie not mine, I could care less because its not like i was sleeping with him, even tho he had tried more recently than not. We truly cared about each other and knew each other very well, since we were 13 years old. Completely compatible in every way it made us very good friends, it was unfortunate his wife and I didn't get along. Even though we had expressed our feelings for each other and he did try to put moves on me, which i turned down, I was no home wrecker and I wasn't going to wait around for him no matter what he said. We casually talked about things which was really nice because conversation with him around his wife was always very heavy. It was a great distraction from reality for a little while. His visits never lasted more than half our 40 mins because generally he is on his way to or back from and "errand". Our relationship was interesting but I would rather work with it and deal with the reality than not have him in my life at all. Well our visit came to an end and my reality began again.
I had told Brian it was over, whether he believed me or not and there was one thing on my mind, sex. I needed to get some. My hormones were still crazy. I could have and should have called Jacob. He was the first guy I slept with after the ex. We worked together and there was such sexual tension that we practically eye fucked at work. When we finally did it was amazing! He was beyond amazing. So passionate about it. Wanting nothing more than to please the girl he was with. I remember taking a "lunch break" with him. We drove all the way back to his house. I was wearing a dress that day at work and he couldn't stop looking at me, practically tearing my clothes off with every look. We had an amazing time with each other but he was almost too passionate for someone I wasn't in love with and that was the reason why I stopped having so much fun with him. A decision I still regret to this day.
I ended up calling the ex. We were back on a communicating basis and he wasn't surprised to find out i had left Brian...again. I didn't proclaim my love to him like i did in the beginning of January but I did want to talk as did he. I don't know why we even bothered. We both knew what was going to happen but decided to jump into it head first again. He still cared about me deeply, those feelings don't just disappear over night. We also made amazing love. There was so much behind it. After close to eight years we knew each other very well and knew how to please each other like no one else could. By this time it was almost valentines day and we had planned a ski trip, dinner and an ice climbing hike. We always did a lot of things together and that's truly what I miss the most even to this day. We had an amazing, incredible Valentine's weekend and I wouldn't trade it for the world. But in the back of my mind i still had doubts. I know it sounds crazy. What am I really looking for? Why aren't I happy now? Honestly, I had no idea. I still don't know why I went back and fourth so many times throwing hearts in blenders only to try and piece them back together shortly after. I blame a lot of it on hormones. I was literally going crazy. I felt crazy. I cried at any given moment, for any reason for none at all. I was happy then I was intensely sad.
I was still having thoughts about Brian. He still wanted a reason why I dumped him and to be honest I was getting tired of arguing with him about it. So one day I was PMSing and totally beyond pissed arguing with him on a lunch break at work and told him he wasn't great in bed. That I didn't know if it was just me or what but I wasn't happy and I tried to make it work, it just wasn't going to. Squashed... that's the only way to describe what I did to him. I killed his manhood. Not just heartbroken but squashed. February came to a close quickly being a short month and I was still with the not so ex ex at this point. I was seemingly happy. For the time being.
As January 2011 came to a close and I had a boyfriend; I was still beyond confused. I was happy in the moment trying to live day to day, especially after the hellish month that just passed. I was relived to have someone in my life that cared about me but I began to feel as if he cared too much, more than I cared for him. Dinner with my parents, a cold Monday on January 31st; the first day we officially started dating, was a turning point for us in his eyes but I'm not sure I felt the same. That dinner was nearly impossible for me to get through. Not because I was nervous but because my parents are so embarrassing I didn't know what to expect. I had warned him best I could but having known what is talked about at a normal dinner with my family I was hoping being outside of the house meeting someone new they would be on their best behavior. As Brian and I walked into the restaurant my family was already seated at a table. I introduced everyone to Brian and my father being a hugger and Brian, not so much, I cringed at the thought my father would jump out of his seat and hug him, thankfully he didn't. The waitress came over and asked about drink orders, when it was my turn I casually asked for a shaker of red headed sluts, a rum and coke and a water. No one really expected that, Brian gave me a look, my little sister laughed, my father acted like it wasn't a big deal being an alcoholic himself and my mother says "Whats a red headed slut?" and asked if she could have one. The shaker came to the table just in time, myself being the great wall between Brian and my father was in between conversation just enough so Brian didn't feel awkward and my father is very lovey so at this point he is hugging me and smiling telling me he loves me every 4 minutes. Desperate times mean pounding this shaker as fast as possible. My mother surprisingly took a shot and my father casually said after "ooohh I'm gonna' get some tonight". Yup first awkward moment of the night, time for another shot. Things were going pretty good overall but we didn't even get appetizers yet! My father has Mondays off so he drinks all day, so was in good spirits, literally. My mother doesn't work and administers her own form of self medication on a regular basis and was just happy to be out of the house; she happens to be quite the attention whore, she loves talking about herself so I'm sure Brian was thrilled. My little sister and I were talking with our eyes from across the table in between conversation only the way sisters can. Dinner conversation was slightly subdued from the norm and I was OK with that. At the end of the night closing conversation and walking out the door, everyone in tow except for my father. Wondering where he was because it was freezing outside and I wanted nothing more than to leave he comes running outside with something under his jacket. Laughing he gives me a hug, knowing he was up to something I asked what he took, unzipping his jacket he flashes the half loaf of dinner bread that was left on the table; casually saying "its still warm and its cold out, the car is going to be cold so...I took it! hehehe". Looking like I'm the only normal one in the family my father finally got his hug from Brain, which wouldn't be a problem if my father understood when its appropriate to let people go. Truly embarrassed I couldn't wait to hear about the conversation they were going to have in the car about Brian. The car ride home was interesting with Brian. He was pleasantly surprised and said "they aren't as crazy as you made them seem" responding with "well they were all very well behaved". Promptly, being my little sister knowing me all too well, I get a phone call from everyone in the car, i answer and my sister is laughing hysterically. "Hello." "Hey Ally, dad wants to know if Brian is Puerto Rican?". Laughing I replied "No, hes Irish why?". "Dad wants to know what the fuck that is on his face then, why does he want to look Hispanic?". Laughing uncontrollably, Brian asks why I'm laughing. I told him my father is inquiring about the chin strap, telling him exactly what was said. He was slightly offended to say the least but I was still laughing. I explained it to my sister and we all got a good laugh, well except for Brian. I had to explain to him that my father is slightly racist. Not that I listen or that his views were transpired onto me, nor that I listen at all, but he told me at a very young age that he would disown me if I was with anyone of color and that was why he asked. Needless to say, he understood, but was still less than pleased.
Now that Brian meeting my family was over with the next thing I needed to do was figure out what I was missing in our relationship. There was something that just wasn't right. It was the first week of February and I was going stir crazy in this relationship because I couldn't figure out what was missing. I thought I was looking into it too much, looking for something to be wrong with it. We were supposed to get a big snowstorm the weekend of the 5th and I told Brian we could get snowed in together since neither one of us worked weekends. I slept over that Friday and woke up in his arms to a beautiful snow covered landscape the next day. He went and got me coffee knowing I cant survive without it, we made breakfast and by noon I wanted to crawl out of my skin. I was so bored! I didn't care what I did but I knew I didn't want to stay in the house with him. It dawned on me. New couples are supposed to be infatuated, making out like teenagers, cant keep their hand off each other, banging like bunnies. Well that wasn't the case. I had gotten pregnant so obviously we were having sex but it didn't mean I was enjoying it. Terrible fact of the matter was I didn't have a good time at all and was craving a good fuck. No matter how bad that makes me sound its the truth. Its a terrible predicament being in a new relationship and not being able to wait to help yourself out at home with a vibrating friend of mine. So that was it! I figured it out! I was relieved but I knew I couldn't tell him that. I wasn't really sure what to do so I decided to leave his house and go back to mine for the rest of the weekend. Feeling like I was going crazy that Sunday I called the girl I worked with who had also been in a relationship with him. At this point we were friends and I had talked to her about things going on so when she came over that day I had a plan. Being brutally honest and blunt, having girl talk, I asked her if he was terrible in bed or if it was just me. I thought she squirted juice out of her nose. She immediately said "I should have told you!" Needless to say it wasn't just me so I felt better. Literally as soon as we were done laughing, my phone rang, like he had E.S.P. it was Brian. I answered and told him I had company and would call him later. He gave me a little bit of a problem, not liking my answer, I ended the conversation quickly because I was getting really pissed off he had gotten mad at me. She and I finished our little girl talk meeting. Knowing I had to call him back and break it off gently, after a week, I knew I was going to break his heart.
Before calling him back I knew I was going to need someone to rescue me so I called my best guy friend I have ever had in my life, John, the one with the wife that hated me; he was going to come over at the best time, right in the middle of the conversation with Brian. Shortly after gaining my confidence, I called Brian and heard his heart break through the phone when I told him I couldn't do this anymore. That it had nothing to do with my ex but I didn't think we were going to work out. It was a terrible conversation and was just as hard as when I broke up with the ex. He wasn't just upset, he hated me and I felt it, like he was torturing a voodoo doll with my spirit in it. Then "Ding DONG!", it was my interruption! PERFECT TIMING! He was pissed I got off the phone but I was beyond relived.
John was my best friend, he always made me feel better. He would come over my house sometimes with his wife knowing and sometimes without. I know this because when she called him even if I was at their house and he answered, more often than not, before he answered he would say "you're not here", meaning don't say anything. It was something that wasn't new and its his lie not mine, I could care less because its not like i was sleeping with him, even tho he had tried more recently than not. We truly cared about each other and knew each other very well, since we were 13 years old. Completely compatible in every way it made us very good friends, it was unfortunate his wife and I didn't get along. Even though we had expressed our feelings for each other and he did try to put moves on me, which i turned down, I was no home wrecker and I wasn't going to wait around for him no matter what he said. We casually talked about things which was really nice because conversation with him around his wife was always very heavy. It was a great distraction from reality for a little while. His visits never lasted more than half our 40 mins because generally he is on his way to or back from and "errand". Our relationship was interesting but I would rather work with it and deal with the reality than not have him in my life at all. Well our visit came to an end and my reality began again.
I had told Brian it was over, whether he believed me or not and there was one thing on my mind, sex. I needed to get some. My hormones were still crazy. I could have and should have called Jacob. He was the first guy I slept with after the ex. We worked together and there was such sexual tension that we practically eye fucked at work. When we finally did it was amazing! He was beyond amazing. So passionate about it. Wanting nothing more than to please the girl he was with. I remember taking a "lunch break" with him. We drove all the way back to his house. I was wearing a dress that day at work and he couldn't stop looking at me, practically tearing my clothes off with every look. We had an amazing time with each other but he was almost too passionate for someone I wasn't in love with and that was the reason why I stopped having so much fun with him. A decision I still regret to this day.
I ended up calling the ex. We were back on a communicating basis and he wasn't surprised to find out i had left Brian...again. I didn't proclaim my love to him like i did in the beginning of January but I did want to talk as did he. I don't know why we even bothered. We both knew what was going to happen but decided to jump into it head first again. He still cared about me deeply, those feelings don't just disappear over night. We also made amazing love. There was so much behind it. After close to eight years we knew each other very well and knew how to please each other like no one else could. By this time it was almost valentines day and we had planned a ski trip, dinner and an ice climbing hike. We always did a lot of things together and that's truly what I miss the most even to this day. We had an amazing, incredible Valentine's weekend and I wouldn't trade it for the world. But in the back of my mind i still had doubts. I know it sounds crazy. What am I really looking for? Why aren't I happy now? Honestly, I had no idea. I still don't know why I went back and fourth so many times throwing hearts in blenders only to try and piece them back together shortly after. I blame a lot of it on hormones. I was literally going crazy. I felt crazy. I cried at any given moment, for any reason for none at all. I was happy then I was intensely sad.
I was still having thoughts about Brian. He still wanted a reason why I dumped him and to be honest I was getting tired of arguing with him about it. So one day I was PMSing and totally beyond pissed arguing with him on a lunch break at work and told him he wasn't great in bed. That I didn't know if it was just me or what but I wasn't happy and I tried to make it work, it just wasn't going to. Squashed... that's the only way to describe what I did to him. I killed his manhood. Not just heartbroken but squashed. February came to a close quickly being a short month and I was still with the not so ex ex at this point. I was seemingly happy. For the time being.
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