In a short period of time I realized I have always tried to be overly prepared for anything and everything. This thought occurred while preparing for a date, my first date ever, which was incredibly difficult. I started getting ready hours before he was supposed to pick me up. I nervously cleaned my whole apartment, did the dishes, and finally the laundry. I felt like I was sixteen again. This was real and he was picking me up to go out to dinner. When I finally sat down to watch TV hoping it would pass time, the doorbell rang and my heart started pounding. I casually walked to the door trying not to walk too fast or too slow, quickly checked over myself in the mirror, took a deep breath, and opened the door with a smile. I remember seeing his eyes first; an incredible light blue with sparkling hints of grey, almost silver. He stood in the doorway as I put on my shoes. Awkwardly bent over and talking, in the back of my mind worrying and hoping my butt isnt hanging out; to my complete and utter surprise as I stood back up he held out his right hand gripping carnations. Looking at him in shock and awe, he said "I got these for you, I hope you like them". I was in shock, graciously accepting them, blushing and quickly finding a vase to put them in, eager to see what other surprises he had in store for this date. Walking outside I'm expecting to see his little red Volkswagen GTI he has had for as long as I know, hes a great mechanic and he rebuilds Volkswagen's for fun, making them move faster than they should. However, he has a completely different car, obviously trying to impress me, which was very cute. We drove to a small local restaurant and small talk carried on. We laughed and talked about things easily, I was incredibly surprised because he had always been shy around me before but I was the mean girl.
Hours of talking through dinner and laughing the whole time I noticed something different about him. He prepared for this date, got a hair cut, shaved his face, wore some dressy clothes; he really wants this to go well and I was impressed to say the least. After dinner we went back to my place and I invited him in to continue conversation. Him being a smoker I knew he was incredibly nervous because he must have smoked a pack that night. After every cigarette he came back in with a little more confidence and would attempt to make a move. He put his arm around me and I moved in a enjoyed it, continuing conversation like we had done this already. About two hours and what seemed like ten cigarettes later he decided to kiss me. It was amazing. Fireworks amazing. We were like high school kids making out on the couch and I loved every minute of it. As the night turned into morning and we joked about how our first date lasted nine hours; we decided to make another date.
As I closed the door I remember realising how completely aware of how unhappy I was in the relationship I had let go on for so long. I was now blissfully aware of what I had been missing, call it blissfully unaware for eight years. Don't get me wrong he was and still is an amazing guy, my absolute best friend for as long as I can remember, we went though so much together, grew up together and had so many memories. I was sick of the routine of playing wifey. I didn't feel appreciated. Some called it the seven year itch. We talked about marriage and the future but I didn't see it, I couldn't and it killed me. I wanted more than anything to spend the rest of my life with my best friend but crying out for help with things like house work, bills, grocery shopping and managing the joint bank account we just opened was taking a toll on me, I was in school full time, worked full time and did everything to make it work. In fact, I asked him what he did on a weekly basis to help around the apartment, he said "I take out the garbage, vacuum and clean on Wednesdays. I cook dinner on Wednesday and I make breakfast on Sunday". That was exactly what I needed to clarify my decision to break it off that had been in the back of my mind for months; mainly because I continued to think about the "what ifs?". I knew it wouldn't be easy while also knowing it wasn't going to get easier if I waited and continued to think maybe things will change or we could work it out. We sat and talked about it like adults, not screaming, nothing but crying, talking, and spilling built up emotions. I told him I fell out of love with him, that I had ruined him by doing everything. He said he knew something was wrong because he saw me "slowly turn off like a dimmer switch" since our friends had a baby and we discussed the future in February. Honestly, I never expected I wouldn't be with him. I wanted to break up with him, see other people, and still try to work things out in the end. Two words for that thought, which was figured out the hard way, RIDICULOUSLY IMPOSSIBLE. It took a couple of days for this to sink in with him, it was a Thursday we broke up almost exactly a week after we returned from vacation in Savannah ,Georgia. It hit him the next day when I was kidnapped by my girlfriend and left overnight without telling him anything. That weekend was the worst weekend in a very long time. The booze flowed like an IV drip, bad decisions followed, and returning to my apartment on Saturday afternoon was torturing my soul. Calling him was on my mind all night, yet I refused to cave because he needed to know this was really happening. That night was terrible and I soon found drinking was becoming a new hobby. Two weeks went buy. Things were terrible between us. He slept on the couch every night and eventually found an apartment. It was expected because we talked about it but when he told me I was devastated. Not eating, drinking every day, cying to sleep to wake up after four hours, and drowning in sorrows I created. Never the less, we separated things before he moved; half of the things in my apartment, two thousand dollars and rivers of tears later, that was it
It took a while to realize that things can be replaced and moving on isn't impossible. As the door closed on my first date I thought to myself. No wonder the never ending date was amazing, after being intensely upset about my decision for over a month, regretting it everyday thinking about the numerous good times we shared, I was finally acutely aware of how unhappy I was. Overcome with a new understanding of decisions that were made, unexpected blissfulness overcame me as I melted into a puddle on the floor after an incredible first date.
Hours of talking through dinner and laughing the whole time I noticed something different about him. He prepared for this date, got a hair cut, shaved his face, wore some dressy clothes; he really wants this to go well and I was impressed to say the least. After dinner we went back to my place and I invited him in to continue conversation. Him being a smoker I knew he was incredibly nervous because he must have smoked a pack that night. After every cigarette he came back in with a little more confidence and would attempt to make a move. He put his arm around me and I moved in a enjoyed it, continuing conversation like we had done this already. About two hours and what seemed like ten cigarettes later he decided to kiss me. It was amazing. Fireworks amazing. We were like high school kids making out on the couch and I loved every minute of it. As the night turned into morning and we joked about how our first date lasted nine hours; we decided to make another date.
As I closed the door I remember realising how completely aware of how unhappy I was in the relationship I had let go on for so long. I was now blissfully aware of what I had been missing, call it blissfully unaware for eight years. Don't get me wrong he was and still is an amazing guy, my absolute best friend for as long as I can remember, we went though so much together, grew up together and had so many memories. I was sick of the routine of playing wifey. I didn't feel appreciated. Some called it the seven year itch. We talked about marriage and the future but I didn't see it, I couldn't and it killed me. I wanted more than anything to spend the rest of my life with my best friend but crying out for help with things like house work, bills, grocery shopping and managing the joint bank account we just opened was taking a toll on me, I was in school full time, worked full time and did everything to make it work. In fact, I asked him what he did on a weekly basis to help around the apartment, he said "I take out the garbage, vacuum and clean on Wednesdays. I cook dinner on Wednesday and I make breakfast on Sunday". That was exactly what I needed to clarify my decision to break it off that had been in the back of my mind for months; mainly because I continued to think about the "what ifs?". I knew it wouldn't be easy while also knowing it wasn't going to get easier if I waited and continued to think maybe things will change or we could work it out. We sat and talked about it like adults, not screaming, nothing but crying, talking, and spilling built up emotions. I told him I fell out of love with him, that I had ruined him by doing everything. He said he knew something was wrong because he saw me "slowly turn off like a dimmer switch" since our friends had a baby and we discussed the future in February. Honestly, I never expected I wouldn't be with him. I wanted to break up with him, see other people, and still try to work things out in the end. Two words for that thought, which was figured out the hard way, RIDICULOUSLY IMPOSSIBLE. It took a couple of days for this to sink in with him, it was a Thursday we broke up almost exactly a week after we returned from vacation in Savannah ,Georgia. It hit him the next day when I was kidnapped by my girlfriend and left overnight without telling him anything. That weekend was the worst weekend in a very long time. The booze flowed like an IV drip, bad decisions followed, and returning to my apartment on Saturday afternoon was torturing my soul. Calling him was on my mind all night, yet I refused to cave because he needed to know this was really happening. That night was terrible and I soon found drinking was becoming a new hobby. Two weeks went buy. Things were terrible between us. He slept on the couch every night and eventually found an apartment. It was expected because we talked about it but when he told me I was devastated. Not eating, drinking every day, cying to sleep to wake up after four hours, and drowning in sorrows I created. Never the less, we separated things before he moved; half of the things in my apartment, two thousand dollars and rivers of tears later, that was it
It took a while to realize that things can be replaced and moving on isn't impossible. As the door closed on my first date I thought to myself. No wonder the never ending date was amazing, after being intensely upset about my decision for over a month, regretting it everyday thinking about the numerous good times we shared, I was finally acutely aware of how unhappy I was. Overcome with a new understanding of decisions that were made, unexpected blissfulness overcame me as I melted into a puddle on the floor after an incredible first date.
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