I didn't realize it then but I was abusing my cake. That saying "you cant have you cake and eat it too" was the reality of my life and I was over consuming and selfish without a second thought about who I would be hurting. Having been on a date with an amazing guy I was interested in doing it more, yet, even though I had broken it off with the ex I was filled with regret and was doing anything in my power to not lose him. I was going on dates and seeing my ex at the same time, having my cake and eating it too. It didn't seem like a problem then but as things started becoming more serious with my blue eyed guy I knew I was in trouble.
My second date was just as good as the first, minus the flowers; he picked me up in a cherry red porsche, as he called it jokingly "pantie drop red". I had never seen this car before and knew there had to be a story behind it; on the way to dinner he told me he rebuilt it and sold it to his best friend because he could afford to get it repainted and he was desperate for money at the time. Completely understandable. Money issues are the root of all evil. I was now fully understanding what kind of mess I got myself in living by myself in an apartment I couldn't afford; being stuck in a lease until July and it was only November I knew it was only going to get worse. I was actually less impressed by the car than I was that he was still tying to show off. I was overwhelmed with the fact that he was so interested in me and we were starting to spend a lot of time together. A few weeks went by and we were talking and seeing each other all the time. I made sure I told him that I wasn't ready for anything serious because at the time I still had feelings for my ex and we still talked. Little did they both know that when one wasn't available to hang out I was with the other. I know this is terrible because I didn't need to bring someone else into this but I felt like I full warned him.
By mid November I was seeing the ex slightly less, slightly. He was angry I was seeing other people and he found a girlfriend to take up time. Interesting choice of people if you ask me even friends and family of his said she was just using him and that usually people strive to find better after a relationship not worse. None the less, we were both doing our own thing, yet still talking and seeing each other occasionally. After a relationship that lasted as long as ours we obviously had mutual friends from high school but after I broke it off with him things changed drastically.
The relationship I had with all of our friends was strange, I couldn't really be myself around them, paritially because I didn't really know who I was. It was a strange transition to finding myself. I developed this "I don't give a shit what you think attitude" that they weren't used to, needless to say it didn't go over well in the end but that is another chapter later on, I will build up to that. After the breakup I didn't see myself as having friends, things weren't the same, no matter what they said about it. We didn't talk as much especially because I definitely didn't want to hear about my ex, who by mid November had a girl living with him. I had become someone that no one really knew or was used to and I was OK with that. I was utterly tied of conforming to what I was for eight years now that I didn't have to. I didn't see any of my new "activities" as being a problem because when every day is a struggle to get through I would have Malibu Monday, Margarita Tuesday, Cosmo Wenesday, Margaritas again Thursdays (they were cheap) and rum and coke on Fridays. I met new people and it occupied my time effectively.
I have to say the strangers that I would meet on a daily basis were mush more there for me than a lot of my friends and family. The Saturday after my breakup I went for a haircut, my hairdresser, who I never see because I only go once every six to eight months, asked me what was wrong right off the bat. Followed by "I'm not going to let you cut off all of your hair". I sat as she cut my hair and cried, spilling my heart to my first stranger. She gave me a hug and told me that I'm not wrong and I needed to stay strong. I cried in her arms and told her she was nicer than my mother about this and that was very sad, yet excruciatingly true. My mother told me that I was wrong and made a terrible decision; after years of torment for being with him in the first place, hypocrite, she actually still talks to him. I truly felt better after spilling my heart to her. The second stranger I encountered I was actually getting angry at. I was upset at the bar, tears rolling down my cheeks after a phone call with the ex, wearing my new "Emo" hat I just purchased so people couldn't see my eyes; a messenger cap from nine west, very stylish yet very emo for me. Anyway, I'm sitting at the bar, having a margarita, on the rocks with sugar, drowning my sadness in booze and this lady is pissing me off staring at me from across the bar for at least a half an hour. She eventually leaves and as I was feeling relived because I was avoiding all eye contact, the bartender hands me a folded napkin and said it was from the lady on the other side of the bar. I still have this napkin and it says "Hey - I know you don't know me but i know you are sad. Keep moving forward and remember, don't let reality spoil you dreams. You'll be OK", and she bought me a margarita. That note helped me in the moment. It was just what I needed.
Time seemed to go by fast no matter how long the days seemed to be. I lived for each day to just be a little better. Terrible days came and went, good days did too. Two months flew by and before I knew it thanksgiving was right around the corner. I was still seeing the new guy who I'm going to refer to as Brian because this seems to be getting confusing and it will get more complicated. AS for happiness, it seemed to come and go. I got really great at hiding what I was feeling because when I was around people I knew I didn't want to be upset, so I learned how to just hide it. Smile on the outside and cry within. That was my daily routine. I learned how to occupy my time so I didn't think about being happy or sad, something like a zombie, just waiting to be revived. I didn't want to come to the reality that I was abusing my cake because I refused to see it as a problem. I was in fact single and I wasn't looking for a relationship with my ex or Brian but they honestly pushed me towards each other, they were completely different in every aspect and my relationships with the two of them were vastly different. Long term hapiness wasn't yet attainable. I was slowy beginning to learn how to take each day at a time, good, bad and indifferent. Yet, bad days did get the better of me through the holidays and for a little while after but if I knew then what I know now I wouldn't have been learning anything.
My second date was just as good as the first, minus the flowers; he picked me up in a cherry red porsche, as he called it jokingly "pantie drop red". I had never seen this car before and knew there had to be a story behind it; on the way to dinner he told me he rebuilt it and sold it to his best friend because he could afford to get it repainted and he was desperate for money at the time. Completely understandable. Money issues are the root of all evil. I was now fully understanding what kind of mess I got myself in living by myself in an apartment I couldn't afford; being stuck in a lease until July and it was only November I knew it was only going to get worse. I was actually less impressed by the car than I was that he was still tying to show off. I was overwhelmed with the fact that he was so interested in me and we were starting to spend a lot of time together. A few weeks went by and we were talking and seeing each other all the time. I made sure I told him that I wasn't ready for anything serious because at the time I still had feelings for my ex and we still talked. Little did they both know that when one wasn't available to hang out I was with the other. I know this is terrible because I didn't need to bring someone else into this but I felt like I full warned him.
By mid November I was seeing the ex slightly less, slightly. He was angry I was seeing other people and he found a girlfriend to take up time. Interesting choice of people if you ask me even friends and family of his said she was just using him and that usually people strive to find better after a relationship not worse. None the less, we were both doing our own thing, yet still talking and seeing each other occasionally. After a relationship that lasted as long as ours we obviously had mutual friends from high school but after I broke it off with him things changed drastically.
The relationship I had with all of our friends was strange, I couldn't really be myself around them, paritially because I didn't really know who I was. It was a strange transition to finding myself. I developed this "I don't give a shit what you think attitude" that they weren't used to, needless to say it didn't go over well in the end but that is another chapter later on, I will build up to that. After the breakup I didn't see myself as having friends, things weren't the same, no matter what they said about it. We didn't talk as much especially because I definitely didn't want to hear about my ex, who by mid November had a girl living with him. I had become someone that no one really knew or was used to and I was OK with that. I was utterly tied of conforming to what I was for eight years now that I didn't have to. I didn't see any of my new "activities" as being a problem because when every day is a struggle to get through I would have Malibu Monday, Margarita Tuesday, Cosmo Wenesday, Margaritas again Thursdays (they were cheap) and rum and coke on Fridays. I met new people and it occupied my time effectively.
I have to say the strangers that I would meet on a daily basis were mush more there for me than a lot of my friends and family. The Saturday after my breakup I went for a haircut, my hairdresser, who I never see because I only go once every six to eight months, asked me what was wrong right off the bat. Followed by "I'm not going to let you cut off all of your hair". I sat as she cut my hair and cried, spilling my heart to my first stranger. She gave me a hug and told me that I'm not wrong and I needed to stay strong. I cried in her arms and told her she was nicer than my mother about this and that was very sad, yet excruciatingly true. My mother told me that I was wrong and made a terrible decision; after years of torment for being with him in the first place, hypocrite, she actually still talks to him. I truly felt better after spilling my heart to her. The second stranger I encountered I was actually getting angry at. I was upset at the bar, tears rolling down my cheeks after a phone call with the ex, wearing my new "Emo" hat I just purchased so people couldn't see my eyes; a messenger cap from nine west, very stylish yet very emo for me. Anyway, I'm sitting at the bar, having a margarita, on the rocks with sugar, drowning my sadness in booze and this lady is pissing me off staring at me from across the bar for at least a half an hour. She eventually leaves and as I was feeling relived because I was avoiding all eye contact, the bartender hands me a folded napkin and said it was from the lady on the other side of the bar. I still have this napkin and it says "Hey - I know you don't know me but i know you are sad. Keep moving forward and remember, don't let reality spoil you dreams. You'll be OK", and she bought me a margarita. That note helped me in the moment. It was just what I needed.
Time seemed to go by fast no matter how long the days seemed to be. I lived for each day to just be a little better. Terrible days came and went, good days did too. Two months flew by and before I knew it thanksgiving was right around the corner. I was still seeing the new guy who I'm going to refer to as Brian because this seems to be getting confusing and it will get more complicated. AS for happiness, it seemed to come and go. I got really great at hiding what I was feeling because when I was around people I knew I didn't want to be upset, so I learned how to just hide it. Smile on the outside and cry within. That was my daily routine. I learned how to occupy my time so I didn't think about being happy or sad, something like a zombie, just waiting to be revived. I didn't want to come to the reality that I was abusing my cake because I refused to see it as a problem. I was in fact single and I wasn't looking for a relationship with my ex or Brian but they honestly pushed me towards each other, they were completely different in every aspect and my relationships with the two of them were vastly different. Long term hapiness wasn't yet attainable. I was slowy beginning to learn how to take each day at a time, good, bad and indifferent. Yet, bad days did get the better of me through the holidays and for a little while after but if I knew then what I know now I wouldn't have been learning anything.
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