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Happiness Defined

In lieu of searching for happiness in my own life I have decided to write this blog to clear my head, write down thoughts and talk through inner conflicts. With that said I am in search of my definition of happiness, and I say my own definition because I believe that life's ups and downs form our own beliefs about what makes us happy as individuals. So, in search of my own happiness I have found that happiness is not clearly defined in my life, I can honestly say I have no idea what makes me happy. I think I know what I want out of life based on what I have observed over the years but to be honest I don't think I have ever been happy. Looking back at my life thus far, I almost feel as if I have been living my life on hopes that making someone else happy will in turn make me happy. I have always lived through other people's expectations and hopes for myself and have never actually had to make myself happy by myself. To be quite honest I am completely lost within myself.
Most of these feelings stem from my childhood but were uncovered recently with the welcoming of a beautiful baby girl to one of my best friends, whom happens to be an ex boyfriend, I honestly saw myself as the woman he married and just had a baby with. This is while sitting next to my boyfriend of 7 years. I couldn't help but wonder "what if" from that point on. Over the next couple of weeks I found that I really enjoy the attention I get from men unlike the attention I get from my boyfriend. I began to feel that I was in this relationship because it is easy and comfortable and began doubting my happiness. If I was happy why would I warrant the attention from other guys? Why would I think about what it would be like if I was in a relationship with someone else? And then the final question... Who am I without him? After seven years, breaking up with someone is more like a divorce, I thought about it for a very long time and doubted myself and my decision more than once. I thought that I needed to change my attitude and really try to find what it is about this relationship that makes me happy. Well, after weighing the pros and cons I decided it wasn't fair for this relationship to possibly evolve while I'm having this contradictory thoughts so, I broke it off.
At this point I have no idea if I did the right thing because now I am acutely aware of how unhappy I really am. Without the distractions of cleaning, cooking, and making someone else happy I have no idea what to do with myself. I honestly don't know what I like or what I want out of life in order to make me happy.
So what is happiness... is it a never ending search because people always want what they can't have?

All I know is that I haven't found it yet and I can't have my cake and eat it too.

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